The Annual Thanksgiving Day Massacre
Every year, on the fourth Thursday in November, throughout the United States Turkeys of every shape and size will meet their maker. Originally starting out as a ploy by the Pilgrims to spread syphilis among the native people, in order to make it feel more like home, Thanksgiving soon became an annual event. Killing and eating of the turkey became synonymous with Thanksgiving and in a fit of revenge the turkeys placed a curse on their would-be murderers. That curse would evolve into yet another tradition that carries on today, the tradition of Black Friday.
This tradition is characterized by rudeness, tramplings, and the ceremonial fist fight of the first two ladies with mullets to enter the store, known better as the “Battle of the Trailer Queens”. These two will duel each other over anything, much like wild animals over scraps of meat or a fresh kill. Be it a Tickle Me Elmo or the last can of potted meat, doesn’t matter. After all the products on sale are gone these modern day Vikings will move on to the next store, pillaging what they can with the few dollars they have.
Once the stores have all been laid bare, many Americans will divert their attention to local eateries, such as Bob Evans, IHOP, or the ever-ready Denny’s. Complaining that restaurants ought to offer sale prices on their meals during this day, many Americans will still order whatever isn’t nailed down. Not because they’re that hungry, mind you, but because you can’t let that bitch sitting at the table across from you have the last piece of pumpkin pie so help you God.
Once the feasting is over and the stores have all been emptied these warriors of the retail outlets head back to their homes where they will have Turkey leftovers for the next three months. Having wounded many and bought much they will curse their enemies while wrapping presents to give to their friends…most likely some of the people they crushed at the local Wal-Mart trying to get the last high-definition toilet scrubber on the shelf.
To all my fellow Americans, have a happy and safe Thanksgiving. To the rest of the world…happy Thursday?
November 23rd, 2007 15:35
It’s a hell of a thing to witness what people will do to save twenty bucks on a DVD player. It’s also interesting to see the little old ladies swinging their purses around like Barry Bonds.