I’m by no means a big RPG player. Perhaps I just don’t have the patience, but computer RPGs have just never been able to keep my attention for very long. Unless it’s something more original than “Thou must taketh thy longsword and slay the beastmen of Krignerak etc.,” I have a hard time getting into them. Still, there have been a few RPGs over the years that caught my eye and kept me interested for more than ten minutes, largely due to their accessible gameplay and interesting stories. One such game was a Flash RPG called King’s Island, which had you control a hirsute berserker across an idyllic countryside, beating the snot out of farmers and trying to locate the big bad guy as well as some pants. There was more to it than that, but not a lot, and I actually found myself engrossed in the whole thing.

Then King’s Island 2 was released, and it was like the most beautiful woman in the world planting a kiss on your lips before kneeing you in the crotch.

King’s Island 2 picks up where the first one left off. Our hero has stupidly jumped into a vortex that sends him through time and space to a Hell dimension, where a magician with an exposed skull named Kottom welcomes him as the Chosen One, the one who will set the prisoners of this world free. So far, so samey. But the wizard does grant you the power of a warrior mage, and that’s got to be cool, right? I mean, who wouldn’t want the brute strength of a melee warrior combined with the mystical knowledge of a powerful mage?

It doesn’t work like that, though. It’s not that you can play as warrior and mage; you really have to decide between the two classes. And speaking as someone who doesn’t play a ton of RPGs, mages suck balls. Maybe that’s a little harsh, but in my experience the magical characters have always been the weakest of any group, constantly sucking on mana potions so they can hopefully stay relevant. It might say more about me than I’d like to admit, but I’ve always preferred playing as a warrior. I’m not the type of person who stands back and attacks from close range; I enjoy getting in there with my battleaxe and splitting heads. So excuse me if I decide to forego your poxy spells.

Except I don’t really have that choice. Oh, sure, I could play through the game as a warrior, if I really want to. But here’s what happens if you decide to do that:

Gang raped by undead soldiers. Nice.

Aside from the occasional sword, you will find nothing for your warrior guise. No armour, no other weaponry, nothing to help build up your melee strength whatsoever. What you do find are lots of potions, clearly designed to make your mage persona as strong as possible. I call shenanigans on that bullcrap.

Anyway, Kottom sends you off on your first mission, to retrieve the Flower of Knowledge that will help him remember how he can help you get home. What follows is an aimless wander around dark grey streets that all look the same, shooting blue energy orbs at monsters who seem to appear out of thin air. You have no idea where to go, walking in every direction, occasionally entering new areas where even more drab landscapes and unoriginal skeleton creatures await. One of the things that most annoyed me about the first King’s Island game was the lack of a map or any other discernible way to figure out where you were going. It’s a problem they haven’t fixed in the sequel, but now it’s even worse, because at least in King’s Island 1 it was largely bright and colourful. This just looks like every other dungeon-based RPG in existence.

Our mission reaches its anti-climactic conclusion on Page 2.

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