I know it’s been a while, but it’s time for another entry into Cult Classics hall of fame. This time we’re going to talk about ‘The Goonies’. That’s right a Spielberg movie not involving Nazis or aliens. So now, into the review.

The Goonies is a movie about a bunch of kids, calling themselves Goonies. Hence the name, clever right? Right, moving on. The story takes place is Astoria, Oregon where developers are poised to tear down their families houses to build a golf course. After some humorous, but ultimately useless, dialogue one of the Goonies begins to tell a story his father told him about pirate treasure buried somewhere in the area.

Having recently busted one of their own out of prison The Fratellis, a two-bit crime family, have set up a phony $50 bill printing press in the basement of a summer-only restaurant on the outskirts of town. This also just happens to be the entrance to the cave of the pirate named, I swear to all things holy, “One-Eyed Willy”. You can see where this is going. The kids get into the restaurant and, after a few too many fat jokes, enter into the cave.

This movie is thick with bouts of teen romance, fat jokes, incompetent criminals, and even the introduction of the world’s most awesome malformed super-retard named Sloth. Between all that the film manages to squeeze in a chase and old-school piratey booby traps, including one involving a piano of sorts. If that isn’t enough to sell you then you should watch it for no other reason than you find out how much stuff Corey Feldman can fit in his mouth at one time. Oh, and it shows that people in Spielberg movies love candy.

For an 80’s movie the special effects were pretty good. Much better than most at the time. The asian jokes are extremely mild and few but the fat jokes are as plentiful as the waistline they criticize. Aside from that, for those of you who are incredibly easily offended, this may not be for you.

However, I’m not going to ruin the movie for you guys who haven’t seen it. And I’m not going to say it’s a rent or a buy but that it can be either or, depending on your preference.

If you like 80’s movies with Cyndi Lauper playing in the background through almost an entire act, Sean Astin pre-Rudy/Mr. Frodo, fat jokes, or Corey Feldman then it’s a BUY.

If you’re offended by fat jokes, retards, or bitter old ladies then it’s probably more a RENT.

Aside from the glaring historical inaccuracy of pirates in Oregon (I could be wrong), I personally like this movie. Besides, don’t go to a Spielberg movie if you’re looking for history. I know folks who don’t, but I assume they have no heart. That’s just my view on the subject though. Check out the movie in any case and make your own conclusions.

If you liked that, try...

1. Cult Classics: The Princess Bride
2. Cult Classics: The Monster Squad
3. Cult Classics: Six-String Samurai
4. Cult Classics: Hackers
5. Everyones Favorite Whiner…

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