Call it professional wrestling or call it “sports entertainment,” the choreographed and highly stylized pseudo-sport of simulated fighting (I refuse to use the word “fake,” because it’s more “real” than most people realize) has been a part of the American subculture for over a century. From carny sideshows and high-school gymnasiums to Madison Square Garden and massive dome shows, from Saturday-afternoon staple to the Monday Night Wars, from Gorgeous George to Hulk Hogan to Steve Austin to John Cena, it seems like it’s always been around in some form.

Naturally, it has lent itself many times over the years to video game interperetation, to the point where even those who don’t consider themselves wrestling fans make THQ’s WWE SmackDown! Vs. RAW franchise one of the best-selling titles every year, right up there with the Maddens and Guitar Heroes of the world. No matter what you may think of the whole WWE millieu, there is just something about it that seemingly always works in game format.

Of course, it wasn’t always like this. In fact, for many years the gaming industry churned out some really, really bad wrestling games. Some, in fact, are so bad as to be considered among the worst video games ever made, in any genre!

With that it mind, here’s a look at five of the all-time worst. If you’re out treasure hunting in flea markets or on eBay, these are the games you want to avoid at all costs.

#5. Tag Team Wrestling (NES, 1987): If you’re familiar at all with the Flash cartoon Homestar Runner, you might recognize at least one element of this game even if you’ve never played it; this is where Strong Bad comes from, after a fashion (your perpetual opponents in the game are a masked duo called the “Strong Bads,” in a classic display of Engrish). And really, that’s the only claim to fame this pile of dreck deserves. Tag Team Wrestling is a nightmare to play, featuring only the same two teams (the babyface Ricky Fighters vs. the heelish Strong Bads), horrendously imprecise control, one of the most awkward move-selection processes on record (after making contact with your opponent, you selected a move from an onscreen prompt), matches that seem to last forever thanks to health-bar replenishments, and graphics that look for all the world like they popped right off a CGA card. Worst of all, to win the title (and thus the game) you had to defeat the Strong Bads THIRTY-FIVE CONSECUTIVE TIMES! Even the Midnight Express and Rock ‘n Roll Express couldn’t keep their legendary feud going this long if they had to have in under these conditions! This game is pure pain, folks. Avoid it like the plague, and stick to Homestar Runner.

#4. Micro League Wrestling (C64, 1986): A historic footnote here; this was the first wrestling game to carry an official license from a real promotion (the then-World Wrestling Federation, now WWE), and to feature actual wrestlers instead of cartoonish grappler stereotypes. For the first time, you really did get to control Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage on your computer screen… sort of. Because this game was not an action game but a strategic contest; both you and your opponent picked a move and a counter from an onscreen menu, and the computer decided the outcome (showing a digitized photo from an actual WWF event that depicts the approximate situation). It’s a glorified game of rock-paper-scissors, and with slow-loading graphics and no real sense of actually controlling your chosen wrestler, it got old really quick. Worse, due to the enormous size of the digitized photos and the tiny space available on a 5.25” floppy, Hogan and Savage are your only wrestler options, though data disks were at least available that provided other matches (including Hogan vs. Paul Orndorff and Ted DiBiase vs. Hacksaw Duggan). Bonus points, however, for attempting to capture the full WWF experience of the day; Hogan and Savage even cut backstage promos with Mean Gene before the match!

#3. WWF WrestleMania Starring Hulk Hogan (NES, 1988): Now this was more like it; a WWF-licensed game where you really did control an actual wrestler in an arcade contest. You got to pick from a whopping six WWF “Superstars” of the time (Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, Ted DiBiase, Randy Savage, The Honky Tonk Man, and Bam Bam Bigelow), and take on either a human or computer-controlled opponent in either one-on-one or round-robin tournament action. The drawbacks? Plenty. First, play control is scarcely better than Tag Team Wrestling, though at least you no longer have to pick a move from a menu. Your character moves very sluggishly on screen, and it’s hard to make anything land on your opponent. Lastly, there’s the bizarre touch of power-up items thrown into the ring by one of the unseen fans! And this doesn’t even touch the doughy graphics, the bizarre void every match takes place in rather than a packed arena, the inexplicable absence of one set of ring ropes in the front, or the tinny greeting-card renditions of familiar WWF themes of the day. Nintendo’s own Pro Wrestling cartridge (a first-gen NES title), despite its lack of name-brand value, is far superior to this pile of poo.

#2. WWF In Your House (various, 1996): WrestleMania: The Arcade Game was a surprise hit in the post-Street Fighter II gaming houses, and its home ports sold surprisingly well (all the more so considering wrestling’s popularity was at one of its historic low points in 1995). Its success was largely due to its subtle moves away from a traditional wrestling format and more towards a button-mashing fighter in the Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat veins, so Acclaim decided for the sequel to go even further in that direction, away from “legitimate” wrestling (so to speak) and towards the sort of cartoonish life-bar combat that Chun Li or Johnny Cage would feel right at home in. It even had fatalities, of all things! (Though of course, they’re not referred to as such… gotta be family friendly and all that, right?) Matches took place in bizarrely-themed “arenas” keeping with the gimmick of whatever opponents you might be facing, though some of the settings make me wonder what Acclaim was smoking (for example, Owen Hart’s stage is based on a deck of playing cards, for no apparent reason other than to play off his “King of Harts” nickname). There is no background music (at least on the PSX and Saturn versions I have access to), and commentary by Vince McMahon and “Mr. Perfect” Curt Hennig comes off as limp and uninspired. Even if you like button mashing, I can’t really recommend In Your House; you’re better of sticking to the original WrestleMania: The Arcade Game, which is more common and vastly superior from a gameplay perspective.

#1. WCW Backstage Assault (PSX/N64, 2000): It’s only fitting that WCW, arguably the most inept and mismanaged major wrestling promotion that ever was (though TNA is starting to give them a run for their money in that department), lays claim to the worst wrestling video game of all time. It’s barely even a “wrestling” game at all, as not only does Backstage Assault feature no ring whatsoever, it actually prides itself on just such a “feature!” (At least In Your House’s crazy arenas still had rings…) Instead, as the name implies, the entirety of your matches are fought in various backstage areas, including (but not limited to) the locker room, the arena’s loading dock, the parking lot, the ever-popular ladies’ bathroom, and even the production truck. The idea, I suppose, was to play off the popularity of so-called “hardcore matches” at the time, which were really an excuse to take a brawl all over the building and hit each other with various crap found around the arena. (It was even rumored at one point that WCW’s head booker had an idea where he wanted to do an entire pay-per-view show sans ring, and just have these sort of matches throughout. Thankfully, this game is as close as he ever got to realizing that… unique vision.) Not only is the concept flawed and wears thin quickly, but the character models have to be among the worst of all time for any 3D sports title. Not even the early 3D Maddens, as ugly as they were, look as horrid as Sting and Kevin Nash do in WCW Backstage Assault, if that tells you anything. And even if this were a traditional wrestling game taking place primarily in a ring, WCW Backstage Assault would still be worth avoiding simply because it stands as a time capsule of what has to be considered the worst gimmicks ever foisted upon wrestling fans… who remembers the Misfits in Action? Or Standards & Practices? How about Booker T as “G.I. Bro?” …Folks, just do the gaming world a favor: If you see this one on the shelf at your local game store, buy up all the copies you can find, smash them to pieces with a jackhammer, pour the remains into Quickrete, and use it to repave your patio or driveway. It’s far better than actually playing the thing. Trust me.

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1 Comment »

1. 
   James
   December 26, 2007 at 8:24 am

   Awesome article. Although I think you might have included ANY of the early THQ WCW Games (Nitro, Thunder, etc.) which actually had great graphics but at the same time some seriously foolish characters (Frankestein). Also, ever character, including Ric Flair, could do a powerbomb to ANYone. That might have been the most disturbing thing. The WORST thing however, was the fact that if you mashed your buttons, you’d kick out before the three-count EVERY SINGLE TIME. Even worse than that (I’m thinking of these as I go along lol), if you were using a wrestler with a submission move, you WIN EVERY TIME because your opponent would tap out no matter if he pushed his buttons or not. Horrible, horrible game!

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